27 Nov 2014
Single Life, Redefined by Flipping a Switch
By: Justin Klosky
Someone with grace and beauty forwarded me an article this morning that prompted me to share my ongoing thoughts on how being SINGLE can be one of the most powerful experiences in your life. The article was written by Lauren Martin and can be found here: The Point of Being Single is Not to Look for Love. Lauren attractively touched on some incredibly important facts and parts of being single, while redefining some common misconceptions that we as a society have placed on the meaning of single life. I have been writing about this for years and for the first time have been inspired to share some of my next book and thoughts as well. Being single, divorced, married, in a healthy relationship all requires the same thing…understanding yourself and what you want prior!
As a serial dater, I recently got out of an almost 5 year relationship, where I was married for less than a year of it. During the separation phase, in all of the chaos and what could have been years of sadness, I came quickly to realize that I was given the greatest gift of all. I was FORCED into being alone for the first time in my life. Things I started to dive deeper into were…
Is Loneliness the Same as Being Alone?
We all loved our ex’s, we wouldn’t have been with them or thought we would spend the rest of our lives with them if we didn’t, but things end. Instead of cowering into a cave, finding sadness in every song, moment and memory, think of it as a chance to find your own life for the first time. We all have been here and we all have our own ways of dealing with it. For my entire life I have taken strength out of what people would see as kryptonite and have managed to turn it around, so why not in this situation also. Take every little bit of positive that you can muster up and create a new life and mindset for yourself. This truly can be done almost immediately. Having great friends and support in your life will make it easier, but this is a choice people and everyone can make this choice.
Life Isn’t a Party, Life is Life
Yes, we can distract ourselves with drinks, pot, drugs, girls, boys, parties, you name it, but a distraction is still a distraction no matter how you coat it. When you need to emote and you find yourself driving and all of a sudden crying because of that damn song, embrace that sobbing coming from your soul and take it a step further and SING THAT SONG! Make that song your bitch so every time it comes on, the crying gets less and less and your voice sounds better and better. We all have that song or songs, so instead of those songs representing a sad time in your life, flip the switch and find love in them and in yourself. There is nothing like the day where you are driving in your car and that song comes on and you sing it with loud and strong. The purpose of this is to allow the emotions, not suppress them. Suppression will act as a virus to your soul and eat you up. You will have to deal with all of your emotions eventually so why not immediately.
Hate Never Got Anyone Anywhere
Why waste energy on hating ANYONE in your life, let alone someone who was the moon the stars and the world to you. Yes, everyone makes mistakes, and everyone has their own ways of dealing with these mistakes, but the less energy you put into any ex, friend, lover, soul mate, wife/husband, the better off you both will be. Energy is much stronger than you can fathom, so save your energy for bigger and better things in your life. Stop wasting it on someone you hurt, someone that hurt you or someone that is just hurting because they are lost and scared. Flip the switch and instead send only positive energy to this person. Anytime you, or friends of yours, want to speak ill or say unpleasant things about the person, stop and change your tone and mindset immediately and send them thoughtful and kind words and energy. This doesn’t mean you have to change the way you feel about them instantly (we all know that takes time), but it certainly will help the process and make you a stronger and more filled person. We can’t control our emotions but we can control our actions.
Change Your Habits & Recognize Your Faults
The best part about being alone, when you fully embrace it, is learning about yourself. Take the time to learn about who you really are! What do YOU like to do on a Sunday morning? What do YOU want to do in the evening before you go to sleep? What do YOU want to be better at in your life? What do YOU do to take yourself away from being present in your life? That last one for a lot of us is the key.
Changing your habits and learning about yourself might be the scariest thing in the world, but it will also be the most empowering. Find out what you love, like, dislike, loathe and bring that into your next relationship with 100% conviction. The better you know yourself the easier it will be to admit to your next partner what you want or don’t want. It will also save you tons of time and energy because the relationship won’t get as far as it normally does because you will be in integrity with yourself. The most important thing to take from this is once you know yourself, don’t change yourself again for someone else. Live in you as long as you know who you is. Life will show you beautiful things when you are with yourself and are 100% you.
Let Go of Being in Control
Although we think we are in control, we really are just creating a façade where we think the control is helpful. You might want your environment in order and clean all the time, but how far are you willing go to do so? Willing to lose a potential partner or wiling to find that potential partner who will nurture and support the things that help you be a better you without them resenting you for it?
It comes from YOU! See…in your next relationship WAIT for the person who naturally supports the strengths in your life without it seeming like a chore or coming with the receipt of resentment. Wait until it seems seamless, because it never will be seamless in the end. In an age where dating is a swipe left or right, we have to truly know ourselves before getting into anything serious. Letting go of control and knowing yourself so well that it isn’t control, it is just you, will allow you to live breath to breath and will show potential partners that you are who you are. Flexibility is always a necessity, but be flexible on things that don’t stem from your well-being or the truth in you. Walk away when someone pisses on your truth.
Before Asking for Help, Know How to Get Up Alone
On a day like today, it is important that we truly give thanks to the people who continue to nurture us on this voyage. The journey of self-love and understanding isn’t an easy one and we all will continue to battle it in our life journey. The point to all this is finding people who love and support you for not only who you are, but also who you want to become. The evolution of soul and how a partner dances with your soul can be a tango that never ends. Before you start dancing know you skill level, be honest with where you are in your life, and don’t fall backwards when you do fall. We all will fall again. Just make sure that you know how to pick yourself up alone first before you count on someone else to do it for you.
This year love yourself first before loving someone else. Happy Thanksgiving!
Justin Klosky is the Founder of the O.C.D. Experience, a lifestyle company providing organizational solutions for every aspect of your life. Published author of Organize & Create Discipline, TV host & expert on CBS’s The Talk! and has been seen on Anderson, Good Morning America, Huffington Post Live, Dr. Oz and more. www.ocdexperience.com for all products and musings.